My First Fall and a Smoldering Fire

A couple of months ago I experienced my first fall regarding diapers (though I didn't actually wear them). However, I did not fall very far at all, for which I am thankful. For over a year and a half I had not only abstained from diapers, but I never even let a thought linger on diapers or the fetish for even a moment. As I wrote in the "Life After Diapers" section of the website, I have always been sure that the sexual quirk still exists inside me, but it no longer had control over me. Thanks be to God, this is still true.

So, you are probably wondering, what happened? I've had time to reflect on it, and basically, I got complacent. During the initial months of trying to give up my diaper fetish I was extremely vigilant and determined not to let it creep back into my life and take over again. But after so much time had gone by and my problems had gone away, I got complacent. My issues in bed had gone away, I didn't waste time looking at AB/DL things online, and I didn't waste money on diapers or AB/DL supplies anymore. This caused me to let my guard down.

While my guard was down, I encountered a large trigger. While looking through files on an old laptop, I came across some pictures of me in diapers and AB/DL items that I thought I had deleted years ago. I was always concerned about someone seeing them, so I put them in folders with boring names, assuming no one would ever look in there. Apparently I forgot to delete those pics when I got rid of everything for the final time.

I let the pics linger on my computer for a few days, revisiting them a few times. This was the first sign of my weakness. Then I actually told my self I was "curious" as to what would happen if I looked at AB/DL content online. So, after a few days, I did. There was of course, no surprise as to what would happen. If I was honest with myself, I knew what would happen: I became aroused.

After that night, I told myself I wouldn't do it again, and I didn't. But I did entertain a few AB/DL fantasies as I fell asleep at night off and on for a couple of weeks.

One day after going to church I came back to my senses. I knew I needed to stop, and so I did. I am back in my old routine and I haven't even thought about diapers or anything related to them in a few months. And, while I am not proud or happy that I slipped up, I have taken this as an opportunity to learn how to not do it again. I am also glad to see that it didn't take me all the way back to where I was before I quit. I didn't wear diapers during the slip up, and I have had opportunities since then to wear diapers, but I never even considered it.

So, what did I learn? While I always knew that the diaper fetish was still present somewhere in my sexual psyche, I have developed a deeper understanding of what it is like. Like I've said before, given how long I engaged in the fetish I knew it was very likely that at least part of it will always be with me in the back of my mind/psyche, but it doesn't have to control or affect me if I don't want it to.

Let me give an imperfect but helped analogy for understanding our fetish. I think of mine like smoldering ashes. Vocabulary.com describes "smolder" like this, "When a fire is barely burning, it's smoldering. Fires can smolder for days without anyone's knowing, then burst into a conflagration that gets the fire department sirens wailing all over town." I imagine my fetish similar to that. It is there, but it's not going to burst into flames unless I add something to the ashes. Fires don't start on their own, and ashes don't reignite unless they are given fuel.

Do I hope the smoldering ashes finally go out one day? Absolutely. But I'm not counting on it. Until then, keeping the ashes from reigniting is pretty simple: don't add fuel. The more fuel you add, the bigger it gets. The bigger it gets, the more likely you are to get burned.

Thanks for reading.